Have you ever wondered why some bonds seem unshakable while the rest fade out without warning? Or why our relationships with friends, family and partners tend to grow and end in a similar pattern, making them all too familiar each time? The reasoning behind this lies in our attachment style - the invisible force that guides the strength and quality of relationships we form with others.

John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory describes attachment as the “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. His extensive research states that as adults, we perceive and build relationships based on the quality of bonds and attachment with our caregivers in early childhood. However, this doesn’t imply that these attachment styles are permanent. With awareness and consistent effort, we can change the way we interpret relationships and thus their quality and strength can be improved.

Let's Dive Into The 4 Attachment Styles

1. Anxious Ambivalent /Preoccupied attachment style:

As the name suggests, people with this attachment style tend to be overly anxious about their relationship at all times. They’re often described as ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ and require constant reassurance and love as a “remedy” for their anxiety and fear of abandonment.  They have a poor self-esteem and place the other person on a high pedestal, thus fixating on them and the relationship. Their self-view and self-worth stem from the attention they receive and they may unintentionally use guilt, anger or any other manipulation tactics to keep others close.

Tracing these patterns to childhood, one may observe that their caregivers were inconsistent, switching between engaging and ignoring their needs. This causes them to be uncertain about others’ behaviour in future relationships and ultimately leaves them anxious.

2.  Avoidant/ Dismissive attachment style:

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style believe that they don’t require relationships to feel complete. They avoid relying on others and get uncomfortable when others depend on them, especially emotionally. They struggle with emotional intimacy and avoid commitment in the name of freedom. They’re often seen as over-independent and self-reliant, and while these may seem like characteristics with a positive undertone, it is important to realize that as humans, we have an innate tendency to connect and socialize. Depriving ourselves of this social and emotional connection can restrict growth and our emotional and psychological well-being.

This attachment style stems from unresponsive parenting in childhood. One learns to soothe and distance themselves when their needs are not met, and these patterns are extended to future relationships in adulthood.

3.  Disorganized/ Fearful-Avoidant:

Disorganized attachment style is the least common of the four styles, and tends to be marked by utter chaos, fear and instability. People with this attachment style long for connection but struggle with vulnerability and trust. As a result, they may push people away at the face of attention while simultaneously longing for it. They sabotage relationships and display toxic behaviour towards themselves and others.

This attachment style is often a result of unresolved conflict, trauma or abuse in childhood. They have underlying personality disorders and perhaps view their caregivers as both, a source of comfort and fear. This chaotic perception tends to be replicated in adult relationships, thus causing instability and wreck.

4.  Secure Attachment Style:

Fostering an emotional balance requires a secure attachment style. Hence, this must be the goal we set in our journey of emotional and psychological growth. Having a secure attachment in a relationship doesn’t mean that no conflicts will arise or social connections will be perfect. It simply means that even in the face of adversity, one is able to express their emotions and communicate healthily. These individuals have a positive view of themselves and others, thus trust and vulnerability become comfortable areas to explore. They enjoy intimate relationships while also accepting time apart for growth. This overall balance builds a positive outlook on life.

A secure attachment style is born when caregivers make consistent attempts to fulfil the child’s physical and emotional needs. They raise them to be mature, self-reliant and trusting through the highs and lows alike.

How Do We Reflect and Grow?

Photo by  Олег Мороз Team  on  Unsplash

It is important to remember that our patterns of attachment are also dependent on various other factors like current life events and the attachment style of the other person. Also, as stated previously, your current attachment style need not determine the course of your relationships in the future.

Use this article to reflect on your current patterns, and connect with us at Heart It Out so we can assist you in your mental health journey. One small step everyday can truly turn things around, trust the process and let us help you trust us and yourself.

Photo by  youssef naddam Team  on  Unsplash