“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.”
- - Cheryl Richardson, The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time

Have you found yourself struggling to say “I don’t have the time for that at the moment” when someone asks you for a favour? Or reluctant to turn down a responsibility placed on you at work, fearing what your bosses or colleagues might think of you? Why is it so easy to neglect what our feelings are, and put ourselves on the line for others? Prioritising our own needs oftentimes has been seen as selfish, even though we’re always taught to put on our oxygen masks first before helping someone else with theirs. 

So, how can we respect ourselves and our needs better, how can we begin to face the uncomfortability of asserting our “no”? The answer lies in setting healthy boundaries. We’ve all heard the word, but how do we do it?

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1. Continuously Recognising Our Limits

Every situation, every day can look different for ourselves and our capacities. Recognising that we are not static objects, but rather complex human beings with fluctuating emotions, headspaces, moods, emotions, and reactions every day is the first step to recognising our limits. Observe yourself when you’re stressed, how much capacity do you have to be present for others, or do another task? Observe yourself when you are calm, when you’re with friends, when you’re at work. How does your capacity fluctuate? The journey begins within. Reflect on your values, needs, and dealbreakers in relationships. What behaviors drain your energy? What kind of support do you thrive on? Journaling or talking to a therapist can be helpful tools for self-discovery.

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2. The Power of "I"

It’s true that nobody can deny you your feelings, and when setting boundaries, asserting the importance of your feelings can be done in a firm, but gentle manner. We might have the tendency to snap and be accusatory to someone (“You’re being so needy right now!”) when what we really want to convey is our feelings with their request (“I’m feeling a little burnt out to be able to be present for you”). “I” statements are key tools to setting healthy boundaries, as they are your feelings and your capacity.

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3. Respectful "No" is Okay!

Boundaries aren't walls that isolate us – they allow healthy connection. Don't be afraid to say "no" to requests that drain your energy or violate your values. A clear, respectful "no" shows you value yourself. It may take time to practice this, and increasing awareness through therapy and self reflection will help you recognise when you are at capacity to do something, or asserting that you simply don’t want to. Your value does not lie in your ability to do things, but your whole self is inherently valuable.

4. Consistency: Assert It and Stick to It!

This may be one of the more difficult aspects of boundary setting–to stick to them! Asserting a boundary is honouring your limits, and it’s important to recognise that we have set a boundary with someone. While our capacity may fluctuate, we must be careful to not fall back into the tendency to give more of ourselves when we aren’t ready to.

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5. Be Gentle With Yourself, and Trust the Process

Setting boundaries is a skill that takes practice. Celebrate your successes, learn from missteps, and be patient with yourself. Remember, even therapists have to work on their own boundaries!

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A Starting Blueprint for Boundary Setting

This may be one of the more difficult aspects of boundary setting–to stick to them! Asserting a boundary is honouring your limits, and it’s important to recognise that we have set a boundary with someone. While our capacity may fluctuate, we must be careful to not fall back into the tendency to give more of ourselves when we aren’t ready to.

Here are a few examples to help you address how you’re feeling, and assert what you’d like to do in a situation that calls for you to set a boundary:

“Thanks for inviting me out, but I think I’d like to relax and take some space for myself tonight!”

“I hear that you’re going through a rough time, and I care for you so much. I just don’t have the mental space to process with you at the moment. Can I check back in with you when I have more capacity?”

“I have _____ tasks on my plate currently, I cannot take on more at the moment. If anything changes, I will be sure to let you know.”

“I told you before that I am not interested, I’m feeling really uncomfortable and would like you to stop insisting on meeting me.”

You Deserve Respect & Healthy Relationships

Saying "no" doesn't make you selfish, it makes you assertive.

Boundaries strengthen connections, not weaken them.

By prioritizing your emotional well-being and communicating your needs clearly, you pave the way for deeper, more fulfilling connections. If you find yourself struggling, remember, there's no shame in seeking professional help. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your boundaries and develop healthy communication skills.

What are some other ways you’ve set boundaries?