Home is where the heart is; it is the sanctuary, the refuge, a place of comfort, but in this home lie various secrets. The saying "Ghar ki baat, ghar mein hi rahe" (what happens at home stays at home) is quite popular in Indian culture. It symbolises the hope of keeping secrets in matters concerning the family a secret. Even if the purpose of concealing family secrets was noble, such as shielding the family members or the family’s honour, the psychological impact of such actions can be quite severe.

The Nature of Family Secrets in Indian Families

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In the Indian context, family secrets can be anything from financial issues, caste or community problems, mental illness, substance abuse, or even issues related to intercaste marriages, etc. More often than not, the need to protect the image of the family in the eyes of other people is what causes the issues to be hushed. This is seen in Indian families where the so-called “log kya kahenge” or "what will people say," dominates the society and perpetuates silence.

For instance, some parents and guardians do not report their children’s mental health issues because conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia are regarded as shameful. Likewise, problems like domestic abuse, alcoholism, or infidelity are kept hidden so that the family does not lose its reputation. Such secrets may be buried with the best of intentions, but the result can be severely damaging to people’s emotional state, particularly when the responsibility for the secrets lies with specific people.

A rather strong example of this is the Bollywood movie Kapoor & Sons (2016), which tells the story of the Kapoor family with all of its members having something to hide, be it money issues or infidelity. These hidden truths put a veneer of a perfect family under pressure, and there are emotional outbursts in the show. The movie was able to depict how family secrets that are never addressed can lead to strains, miscommunication, and even a breakdown

Emotional Impact on Children

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Children in particular are the most vulnerable and sensitive to the emotional dynamics of the family. Even when they are not explicitly told about the secret, they know something is amiss. Such a culture of silence may result in confusion, anxiety, and even instability as children struggle to make sense of what is happening around them. If they feel that there is tension yet no reasons are given, they can develop feelings of guilt or, at worst, anxiety. This emotional stress in the long run may lead to poor self-esteem, problems in trusting others, or problems in expressing emotions.

In many Indian families, children often remain in the dark about these bitter realities for a long time, and when they turn mature, they feel betrayed. The fact that their own family has been lying to them shakes their sense of trust and security; this can further result in their inability to develop healthy relationships in the future.

The Pressure on Adults

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It is common to observe that Indian families put a lot of pressure on the adults to hide things for the sake of tradition or for the reputation’s sake. The idea of ‘izzat’ (honour) is one of the most significant agents that compel people to conceal some facts. In particular, women are supposed to shield the family’s secrets and preserve the family’s honour. Whether it is silence about an abusive husband or the façade of being happy when in front of in-laws, the stress is unbearable.

For example, in many Indian families, the daughters-in-law are supposed to protect the image of the family to the community, and thus they cannot complain of any abuse. The culture of "settling down" and "sacrificing" in marriage also makes women keep quiet whenever they are abused or unhappy in their marriages. This pressure not only impacts their mental health but can also lead to feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.

Likewise, men may experience such things as the burden of having to provide or keep other financial or personal secrets. If a family business is in a bad state, a father may decide not to share this information with his wife or children, as this is shameful. This leads to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, and the person suffering from such conditions cannot seek help.

Breaking the Cycle of Secrecy in Indian Families

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To break this cycle of secrecy in Indian families, one has to go against the norms of shame and honour. One of the initial things that have to be considered is the fact that it is possible to keep secrets, thinking that one has to save face in a given situation. One has to shed the mentality of “log kya kahenge” and focus on the mental health of the family members.

Some of the ways that families can begin is by setting up a section where the young and the elderly are free to speak their minds or share their worries without fear of being scolded. This could mean going against tradition or change, and although it may be uncomfortable to face reality, it is much better for the heart. Talking about mental health, financial issues, or relationship problems in the family makes it easier not to consider these topics shameful and avoid discussing them.

Nevertheless, it can also be helpful to include a third party, for example, a family therapist or counsellor. Counselling is still taboo in many Indian communities, but it provides a middle ground for families where they can freely express their emotions, and the cycle of repression is then broken.

For more emotional support, reach out to a Mind Coach at Happy Minds today!