“Ma, look at this painting I made!”  
“That’s nice, but how much did you get in your math test?”
 “um… I didn’t do that well… I scored 35”
 “What?? Is this how I raised you? Your father and I are working every day just for you to sit and draw? No more painting until you get better marks!”

Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence in almost every Indian household, substituting painting with any other extracurricular. Be it sports, music, dance or theatre- studies must always come first.

Individuals are conditioned at a young age to place academic performance on a pedestal, while other activities are forced to take a backseat. As they grow older, this conditioning intensifies, with the emphasis on academic excellence becoming even more pronounced. Parents and society often prioritize academic success as the primary measure of a person's worth and potential. As a result, young people feel compelled to dedicate the majority of their time and energy to studying, often at the expense of pursuing their passions or interests.

This burden placed on their shoulders make them fear failure, as their fear of disappointing their parents or failing to meet their expectations tends to lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts.

Unspoken traditions: Choosing Science

Photo by  Christian Erfurt Team  on  Unsplash

One of the most common questions asked to students is which stream they’re choosing, and the majority of the answers are science. Parents instill their expectations in their children to be engineers or doctors, leaving no thought about whether their child wants to or not. Due to this, they often choose a career that aligns with their parents wishes rather than their own.  Choosing other streams, especially Humanities, is looked down upon in society. Speaking from personal experience, when I announced that I would be taking Humanities after my 10th boards, I received a lot of backlash. I am eternally grateful to my parents for being supportive,  but my relatives frowned upon my decision, saying 'there's no scope in arts, you won't get anywhere if you take this path, etc.' My friends too would make fun of it, calling it easy without knowing the intricacies of the subjects. 

However, not all students can handle the overwhelming pressure and competition that this field contains- there have been over 6 suicides in Kota this year alone, and over 26 suicides in 2023. Family is supposed to be your backbone and support you in times of struggle, but for these students, I'm sure their parents felt like the last people they could turn to. They used death as an escape from facing their parents and feeling like they disappointed them.

Unspoken Roles: Gender

Photo by  Shruti Singh Team  on  Unsplash

Though times are changing, many parents still expect their kids to exhibit traditional stereotypical behavior. Girls are still expected to be obedient, docile, and the perfect domestic housewife while men are expected to be aggressive, competitive and the primary breadwinners. Individuals who do not fit into this box are shunned from society; these rigid expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and low self-esteem.

We are aware that our current situation is better than it was 50 years ago. However, is the grey area really better than the stark contrast of black and white? Women have fought long and hard to be allowed the privilege to work, only for it to be seen as something casual to do before marriage. Sometimes the husband ‘allows’ his wife to work after marriage, but in those cases she has to take on the burden of both work and household chores. Sadly, in most middle-class families, this has become the norm.

Unspoken Taboos: Mental Illness

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In a country like India where expressing affection verbally is not quite common in most families, talking to your family about your mental health is quite unheard of. Most Indian parents have raised us with the mentality of ‘you have food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over your head- how can you be depressed?’

There is a serious stigma surrounding mental illnesses- people try to convince you it is all in your head (ironically, it is) and since there is nothing physically wrong with you there’s no need to get help. It is generally a very hush-hush topic in society. Seeking professional help for psychological distress is often viewed as a sign of weakness or failure as most families are concerned more about 'log kya kahenge?', discouraging youth from seeking the support they desperately need. Due to the seemingly lack of support, individuals internalise their struggles, leading to feelings to isolation, hopelessness and even suicidal thoughts.

Breaking free from this cycle requires a concerted effort to promote communication, empathy, and understanding within families. Parents must recognise their wrongdoings and embrace their children for who they are rather than who they expected to be. The Indian societal structure was built on the foundations of prejudice, stereotypes and patriarchy; but Rome was neither built nor destroyed in a day. It will take years to undo all the unhealthy traditions, norms and expectations created by previous generations, but all that matters is that we are willing to try.

If you feel suppressed by family expectations, talk to a mental health professional who can help you figure out how to cope healthily.